Resiliency is one of those characteristics most want and hope will emerge within children at the most opportune moment to overcome difficulties when they arise. The good news is that you can do more than hope for the best. Here are 5 teachable moments backed by research to foster grit and resiliency in your children.
1) Encouragement (versus Praise)
We often think praise is “good.” Yes, praise feels good in the moment, and yet research shows that in the long-term, it creates dependency. Positive Discipline, a model used in schools and with parents that reinforces kind and firm parenting at the same time, has termed children who receive continual praise as “approval junkies.” Praise recognizes a perfect, complete product, whereas encouragement highlights effort and improvement. Even more, when we say “I like” something, unintentionally it invites children to want to change for you versus for themselves. Below are some examples about the differences between praise and encouragement. Try to catch yourself the next time you’re using praise!
| Encouragement | Praise |
|
“I saw that you gave it your best.”
(acknowledges the deed + effort and improvement)
|
“You did it right.”
(focuses on the doer + perfect product) |
|
“I appreciate your cooperation.”
(self-directing)
|
“I like the way you did that.”
(judgmental) |
|
“That A shows your hard work.”
(internal ownership + responsibility)
|
“I’m proud of you for getting an A.”
(misses ownership of their own achievement) |
2) Connecting Words (versus Disconnecting Words)
Connection is essential to forming a healthy attachment with children. It’s also one of the major building blocks to foster resiliency, as well as a Positive Discipline tool: “Connection Before Correction”. Only once children feel connected do they feel secure and open to being guided to change and thrive in our world. On the other hand, disconnecting words, such as lecturing, scolding and blaming, lead to detachment, isolation and rejection. It takes self-awareness to shift your language to use more connecting words. Practice these examples when you’re not with your children to help them feel more natural.
| Connecting Words | Disconnecting Words |
|
“You grabbed it after I asked you to keep your hands to yourself. I can tell this is hard for you, so I’m going to help.”
(observation + acknowledges feelings + offer support)
|
“What did I just tell you? Sit there and think about what you just did.”
(judgment, shame, guilt) |
|
“You’re really excited and it’s hard not to grab when you want to. It takes practice to stop our bodies. Let’s take some deep breaths.”
(invites connection + respect child’s intent, providing coping tools)
|
“You need to learn to follow directions/be good/control yourself.”
(blame, shame, logic-rule) |
|
“I won’t let you grab it and I’m here to help. Let’s try it again.”
(non-punitive limits + guide + practice = quality feedback)
|
“One more time, and you’re going to your room.”
(punitive consequence = fear + teachable moment missed) |
3) Curiosity (versus Criticism)
Defensiveness has its root in criticism. Criticism may be well intentioned to help children “learn” from their mistakes, and yet continual criticism can be destructive. Feeling criticized triggers anxiety leading to withdrawal and defiance, ultimately causing disconnection and communication breakdown. Curiosity, on the other hand, builds a connection and helps you approach situations in a more relaxed way. It’s information seeking versus judging. It’s worth noting that curiosity questions that promote an invitation begin with “how” or “what,” whereas, criticism usually begins with “why,” resulting in shame or rejection. Try to be curious by practicing the examples below. Keep in mind you can say anything in a negative, positive or even sarcastic way. Be sure to pay attention to your tone!
| Curiosity | Criticism |
|
“What were you trying to accomplish?”
(exploring + building decision-making skills)
|
“Why did you do that?!”
(judgment + demanding) |
|
“What ideas do you have on how to start cleaning your room?”
(inviting opportunity + connection) |
“Why do I have to tell you again to clean your room?”
(rejection) |
|
“How else can you make a different choice about doing your homework?
(develops problem-solving skills)
|
“Why do you always wait until the last minute to do your homework?”
(shame) |
4) Nurturing a Growth Mindset (versus Fixed Mindset)
Dr. Carol Dweck, one of the leading researchers in the field of motivation, personality and development, found that there are two different mindsets, one that is limiting and focused on perfection, while the other acknowledges that our abilities evolve. A “fixed mindset” is the belief that your character, intelligence and creativity can’t change. Alternatively, a “growth mindset” feeds off of challenges and approaches failure as an opportunity for enriching existing abilities. When children cultivate a growth mindset, they believe that the biggest factors to change are time and effort. So, how can you guide your children to a growth mindset? Below are alternative ways to approach your children’s setbacks.
| Growth Mindset | Fixed Mindset |
|
“It might be time to try a new strategy.”
(instills control in themselves)
|
“It’s okay. Maybe you’re good at that!”
(makes them believe they don’t have the capacity to learn) |
|
“That seemed easy for you. Let’s try something more challenging to help your brain grow.”
(teaches learning = risks and challenges)
|
“You did that so easily! Good job!”
(encourages completing tasks without effort) |
|
“That is not correct. You don’t understand it yet. How else can you try to understand it better?”
(honesty about your child’s progress + believing in their capabilities)
|
“That is not correct. Are you paying attention in class? Seems like you’re not even trying.”
(judgment about their abilities) |
5) Emotion Coaching (versus Dismissing)
Dr. John Gottman has done significant research related to parent-child relationships and found that emotion coaching helps children learn to trust their feelings, regulate emotions and problem-solve through emotional acceptance. Children go through many emotions, even within a few hours! Teaching that emotions are valued is key to prevent arrested development.
One of the most effective ways to allow emotions is to help them just feel felt. That’s all feelings want, and, often times, it may even be all your child needs. On the contrary, dismissing emotions is a form of gaining compliance through force. It leads to children learning that feelings are wrong and invalid, which creates challenges regulating themselves. As much as you’d like the situation to change, the absolute first step is acknowledging and giving a voice to the feelings showing up. Take the examples below as an indicator of the next time you’re coaching or dismissing emotions.
| Coaching | Dismissing |
| “I imagine that you might be feeling sad.”
(values negative emotions) |
“You are acting like a baby.”
(believes negative feelings are trivial, unimportant or toxic) |
| “I’m wondering if you are feeling angry and sometimes I feel angry, too.”
(identifies emotions as an opportunity for intimacy) |
“You’re going on a time-out.”
(does not want to engage when a child is having negative feelings)
|
|
“I can see that you’re frustrated and that’s okay.”
(believes that it is acceptable to have different emotions and they don’t need to be “fixed”)
|
“You are driving me nuts.”
(lacks emotional awareness in self and others) |