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Accomodation and Anxiety

Ask yourself these questions:

Do I accommodate my child’s anxiety? In what ways?

How can I make changes to help my child develop resilience?

As parents, we are wired to support our children with their worries and fears.  Our natural response to our child’s discomfort is to reassure and comfort them.  This response works well for most children.  However, for anxious children, a reassuring response can backfire when it is not accompanied by giving the child tools to develop more independence and resilience.  For these children, a parent’s natural response of reassurance, can soon become a pattern of accommodation.

Accommodating your child’s anxiety starts off as an effective measure. In the short term, it keeps your child calm and keeps the peace in the family.  In the long term, accommodating anxiety actually makes it grow bigger. 

By accommodating anxiety you are supporting the anxiety but not supporting your child to grow and develop needed resilience and coping skills.  When you begin to notice this pattern of accommodation in the family, work to make changes that support your child instead of the anxiety.

The next time your anxious child asks for reassurance or a change in plans to accommodate their anxiety, take a moment to see if you can practice a different response.  Here are some alternative responses you might try to help your child face their fears and anxiety.

Accommodation:  You avoid situations in which your child might feel fear, discomfort or panic.
Support: You help your child to slowly expose themselves to situations that cause them fear or discomfort.  You let your child know that you feel confident in their ability to enter the situation.

Accommodation: You change your daily routines to avoid triggering your child’s anxiety.
Support:  You continue with your daily routines, supporting your child with their anxious feelings.  By doing so you are allowing your child to learn coping skills instead of accommodating the anxiety.

Accommodation:  You make choices for your child and help them with simple tasks when they are feeling anxious or when you know a decision will cause anxiety.
Support: You give your child options and allow them to make their own choices.  By doing so, you give them responsibility and the opportunity to  make mistakes and overcome them.

Accommodation: At a restaurant, you order for your child or socially anxious teen.
Support: You insist that your child or teen order for themselves with your support.

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