Lately, in my clinical work, I’ve noticed a common theme: many parents are seeking support to help their children stay calm and regulated during challenging moments. I often begin by helping parents learn strategies to calm their own nervous systems first, before attempting to help their children regulate. This month’s newsletter offers practical tips for modeling calm and supporting children as they learn to manage big feelings. If this topic feels helpful, please feel free to forward this newsletter to a friend or colleague who might enjoy it as well.
As parents, it’s natural to want to help our children calm down, cope better, and move forward when emotions run high. What’s often less obvious is that these skills don’t develop through willpower or motivation alone. They grow from a child’s ability to feel regulated, supported, and safe.
In our clinical work at Wellspring, we see again and again that regulation comes before motivation. When a child’s nervous system is overwhelmed by stress, fatigue, transitions, or big emotions, it becomes much harder for them to listen, problem-solve, or follow through, no matter how much they want to. The same is true for adults.
January can be a particularly challenging time for regulation. With less daylight, disrupted routines, and the emotional shift after the holidays, many families notice increased irritability, meltdowns, or emotional sensitivity. These struggles don’t mean something is wrong. More often, they’re a sign that nervous systems are still recalibrating.
At Wellspring, we focus first on helping parents and children feel calm, connected, and grounded. From that foundation, children are better able to build the skills needed for flexibility, resilience, and motivation over time.
Helping Kids Learn to Calm Big Feelings
Self-care and emotional regulation don’t come naturally to most children. Like adults, kids experience stress, anxiety, frustration, and overwhelm, but they are still learning how to manage these big emotions. This learning process, known as self-regulation, is one of the most important skills we can support children in developing.
Self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions and behavior in ways that fit the situation. It includes calming down when upset, tolerating frustration, adjusting to changes, and recovering from disappointment without melting down. These skills develop gradually, through practice, repetition, and supportive relationships.
When Self-Regulation Is Hard
Occasional tantrums are a normal part of early childhood. However, when intense meltdowns, impulsive reactions, or emotional outbursts continue into the school years, it may be a sign that a child needs additional support in building regulation skills.
Some children react quickly with big emotions, while others gradually build distress until it spills over. Neither pattern means a child is “misbehaving.” Rather, it reflects how that child’s nervous system responds to stress and big feelings.
Temperament and life experience both play an important role in how children regulate emotions. Children who are more sensitive, anxious, or impulsive, or who experience ADHD or heightened stress, often benefit from more intentional coaching, structure, and support as they develop these skills.
From Co-Regulation to Self-Regulation
Children don’t learn regulation skills on their own; they learn them through co-regulation. Co-regulation happens when a calm, supportive adult helps a child navigate big emotions in the moment. Over time, these repeated experiences become internalized, allowing the child to self-soothe more independently.
Co-regulation starts with the adult. When caregivers pause, regulate their own emotions, and respond with calm validation, they model exactly what children are learning to do themselves. Connection comes first; problem-solving comes later.
For Parents: Staying Regulated Matters
Children often show dysregulation through behavior such as meltdowns, withdrawal, defiance, or school resistance. Before trying to fix the behavior, it helps to ask:
Is my child regulated enough to do what I’m asking right now?
Here are ways parents can support their own regulation, which in turn supports their child:
- Regulate your body before your words. Drop your shoulders, slow your exhale, and ground your feet before responding.
- Use fewer words during big moments. Calm tone and short phrases are more effective than long explanations.
- Normalize repair. You don’t have to be calm all the time. Modeling how to reset matters more than perfection.
- Create predictable pauses. Brief moments of calm before school, in the car, or at bedtime help regulate nervous systems.
- Soften expectations, especially in January. Re-entry after breaks takes time.
- Remember, behavior is communication. Asking “What does my child need right now?” can reduce reactivity.
- Use a grounding phrase. Phrases like “Connection first” or “This will pass” can interrupt stress spirals.
- Take regulation breaks early. Step outside, drink cold water, stretch, or move your body before overwhelm builds.
Parents don’t need to be perfectly regulated, just willing to come back.
Teaching Regulation as a Skill
At Wellspring, we view emotional regulation the same way we view academic or social skills: it can be taught and practiced. Rather than avoiding challenges, children benefit from gentle coaching and scaffolding, which break tasks into manageable steps and gradually build independence.
This might look like:
- Practicing transitions away from screens in short, planned intervals
- Breaking routines (mornings, homework, bedtime) into small, achievable steps
- Encouraging movement, water breaks, or breathing exercises during frustration
- Offering specific praise for effort and flexibility, not just outcomes
Over time, children learn that emotions can be uncomfortable without being overwhelming and that they have tools to handle them.
Simple Regulation Tools for Kids
These quick strategies can be used at home or before school:
Balloon Breathing
Slowly pretend to blow up a balloon, focusing on long, steady exhales.
5-4-3-2-1 Senses Game
Name five things you see, four you feel, three you hear, two you smell, and one you taste.
Reset the Body
Cold water on the wrists or holding something cool can help reset big emotions.
Why This Matters
Strong self-regulation skills support emotional health, learning, relationships, and resilience across the lifespan. Children who develop these skills are better able to manage stress, adapt to challenges, make thoughtful decisions, and recover from setbacks.
And parents don’t have to do this perfectly. Co-regulation is a practice, one that grows with patience, consistency, and compassion for both children and caregivers.
We’re Here to Support You
If your child or teen is struggling with big emotions, anxiety, frequent meltdowns, or impulsive behavior, therapy and parent support can make a meaningful difference. Wellspring Psychotherapy Center is here to help families build these skills together, one moment at a time.