“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No.”
If you’re raising a boy or teenage son, this exchange may sound familiar. You can sense that something is bothering him, but the more you ask, the less he seems willing to share.
It can be frustrating, especially when all you want to do is help. But silence doesn’t necessarily mean a boy has nothing to say. Sometimes, he hasn’t figured out what he’s feeling, doesn’t know how to express it, or simply isn’t ready to talk.
We sat down with Alex Brandolino, ASW, a Wellspring therapist who works with a wide range of children, teens, and young adults. Alex has a particular interest in working with boys and young men, so we asked him to share his perspective on why some boys shut down and how parents can create more opportunities for connection.
Parents often say, “My son just won’t talk to me.” What might be happening beneath the surface when a boy or teen shuts down?
There can be many reasons. Sometimes boys may not fully understand what they’re feeling or know how to put it into words. They might feel embarrassed, worry about disappointing someone, or believe they’re supposed to handle problems on their own.
For some boys, being asked directly about their challenges can make them feel exposed or put on the spot, especially when they’re already overwhelmed. They may respond with “I don’t know,” “I’m fine,” or simply withdraw.
I think it’s important for parents to remember that silence doesn’t necessarily mean their son doesn’t trust them or doesn’t want a connection. He may need more time to process what he’s experiencing, or he may find it easier to communicate in a different way.
Why might boys express stress, anxiety, or sadness through irritability, withdrawal, or behavior rather than words?
Feelings don’t always show up in the ways we expect. A boy who is anxious might become more irritable. A teen who feels discouraged or overwhelmed might retreat to his room, spend more time gaming, or seem less motivated. Sometimes sadness can look like anger, and anxiety can look like avoidance.
That doesn’t mean every change in behavior signals an emotional problem. But when parents notice a pattern, it can help to become curious about what might be happening beneath the behavior rather than focusing only on stopping it.
Instead of immediately asking, “Why are you acting this way?” a parent might wonder, “What is my son having a hard time with right now?”
That shift can create more room for understanding and connection.
What are some well-intentioned things parents do that can unintentionally make a boy shut down even more?
When parents are worried, it’s natural to ask more questions, offer solutions, or try to get to the bottom of a problem right away. Those responses usually come from a place of love and concern, but repeated questions can sometimes feel like pressure.
A boy may start to feel that he needs to explain himself, defend his feelings, or come up with an answer before he has one.
Sometimes the most helpful response is simply to acknowledge what you’re noticing without requiring an immediate conversation. You might say, “You seem like you’ve had a tough day. I’m here if you want to talk.”
Then give him some space while continuing to show that you’re available. You can always return to the conversation later.
What can parents do in the moment when their son says “I’m fine,” but they can tell something is wrong?
Connection doesn’t always happen through a serious, face-to-face conversation. Some boys find it easier to open up when they’re doing something alongside another person, such as walking, driving, playing sports, cooking, or playing a game.
An activity can take some of the pressure off the conversation. There isn’t the same expectation to maintain eye contact or explain everything at once, and moments of silence can feel more natural.
I also encourage parents to spend time with their sons that isn’t focused on problems, school performance, or things that need to change. Showing interest in what your son enjoys can strengthen the relationship and make difficult conversations feel less intimidating when they do come up.
Sometimes connection begins with simply being together.
What if a boy or teenager doesn’t want to come to therapy or says he has nothing to talk about?
I think one of the most important things is not to expect a young person to open up immediately. A boy may be coming to therapy because his parents are concerned, not because he has decided for himself that he wants help. He may feel uncomfortable, skeptical, or unsure what therapy is supposed to be.
I would want to acknowledge that rather than pretend he should be excited to be there.
Initially, my focus would be on getting to know him as a person, not just learning about the problems that brought him into therapy. I might ask about his interests, friends, music, sports, video games, or whatever matters to him. With younger boys, that could involve playing a game or doing an activity together. With teens, it might begin with a more casual conversation about their world and what they enjoy.
I also think it’s important to give young people a sense of voice and choice. I might ask what they think about being there, what they wish adults understood about them, or whether there’s anything they would want to be different in their lives, even if it isn’t the same concern their parents have.
And if a teen says, “I don’t know” or “I don’t want to talk,” that’s okay. Change doesn’t happen overnight.
Over time, as trust develops, there’s often more room to explore what’s difficult, identify goals that matter to him, and build skills for handling challenges. I want therapy to feel like a place where a young person has a voice, rather than another place where adults are telling him what he needs to do.
Do you use games, activities, humor, shared interests, or something else to help boys feel comfortable?
Absolutely! With younger boys, we might play a game or do an activity together. With teens, I might start by talking about music, sports, gaming, or whatever interests them. Humor and common ground can take the pressure off and help conversation develop naturally.
How do you help a teen feel that therapy is his space rather than something his parents are making him do?
I want teens to have a voice in what we talk about and what they hope to get out of therapy. Their goals may be different from their parents’ concerns, and that’s okay. I also explain confidentiality so they understand that therapy is a space where they can speak openly, within appropriate safety limits.
Can you describe a typical first session with a reluctant teen?
I usually begin by getting to know the teen rather than focusing immediately on the problem talk. We might talk about their interests, play a game, or explore what they wish adults understood about them. If they leave feeling heard, respected, and a little more comfortable about returning, that’s a meaningful first step.
Wellspring Tips for Helping Your Son Open Up
1. Connect before questioning. Spend time together without making every interaction an opportunity to check on his feelings. Shared activities can create opportunities for conversation without pressure.
2. Notice without assuming. Try “I’ve noticed you seem frustrated lately” rather than “Why are you so angry?” An observation gives your son more room to tell you what he’s experiencing.
3. Keep the door open. Let him know you’re available, even if he doesn’t want to talk right now. Follow up gently at another time rather than expecting every conversation to happen on your schedule.
The goal isn’t to get boys to talk on demand. It’s to help them feel safe enough to share when they’re ready.