What is Grief?
Grief is a natural human process in response to a loss. It does not follow specific stages or timelines, it looks different from person to person, and can change over the course of the lifespan. Grief might look like guilt, anger, irritability, isolation, exhaustion, worry, or acceptance.
There are developmental responses to grief as well; teens might gravitate towards leaning on peer support to help during difficult times. Sudden loss, or an unexpected and sudden death can disrupt the way teenagers see the world. This may be the first time that a teen is experiencing loss and grief, and/or the loss of someone their age. A grieving teen may feel like their assumptions about the world – for example how death only happens to the very old, and that bad things only happen to other people – are disrupted, and the teen is faced with their own mortality and the mortality of those they care about.
You can’t protect teens from grief, but you can help them express their feelings and provide support. Here are a few things to keep in mind when supporting teens who are grieving:
Listen
Listen without judgment, interpreting, evaluating, or fixing. Honor their lived experiences through non judgmental listening, open mindedness, and a calm presence.
Speak openly and honestly about the death
Let them know that all questions are okay to ask, and to answer truthfully while being mindful of their developmental stage and language they use. Use open-ended questions so that teens are more likely to share their feelings without pressure to respond in a certain way.
Provide outlets for self-expression
This might look like drawing or painting, collaging, listening to music, journaling, or writing poetry. Some teens might enjoy more physically engaging activities such as sports, exercise, and going on hikes. You can offer suggestions and also be open to their ideas. Respect a “no” answer if they do not want to share what they created with you.
Grief can show up in different ways
Be open to different ways of grieving. Your teen’s grief may look different from your own grief, and different from grief experienced by other teens. Let them know that their thoughts and feelings are okay, and that it is also okay to take a break. Laughing, having fun, and finding joy is allowed and important.
Talk about and remember the person who died
Talking about the person who died can give teens permission to share their feelings and memories. Remembering the person who died is part of the healing process. You might say something like, “I thought about ____ today when I made dinner. I know this was his favorite. I really miss him.” Model your expression of grief without the expectation they do the same.
Have consistency and routine
You can provide support by creating safety and predictability so your teen knows what to expect, while also remaining flexible if they need something else. Doing ordinary things together as a family can be healing. Even basic daily routines such as brushing teeth, taking a shower, and going to school can be helpful. Incorporating rituals such as going for a walk or taking a moment to connect with nature can be a meaningful part of the day.
Hold compassion for yourself and others
Model having compassion for yourself so that your teen is encouraged to do the same for themselves.